Rains in the desert.
The palm trees are swing-dancing.
The earth rejoices.
The palm trees are swing-dancing.
The earth rejoices.
A Zsummer Haiku
With All Due Respect
I read a Facebook status today and it made me so sad. I remember being in that frame of mind. I remember only being attracted to “assholes”. I remember the heartache I suffered at the hands of cold and cowardly liars. I recall the traps and methods of manipulation - the ones I laid for others and the ones laid before me. I remember the assholes and I remember the nice guys, and I remember the unnecessary game of modern dating. It doesn't have to be this heart-wrenching battle of the sexes. It can be a heart-cherishing passionate collaboration of souls.
Here is the post I read verbatim:
“Females love assholes because assholes know how to keep them on check. Assholes know how to make a girl try harder than she has to, while nice guys would do more of the giving & the girl just receives. Assholes know how to make a girl pay more attention than she usually does, while nice guys would spoil the girl with more attention that she can handle. Assholes know how to make a girl miss them so much that it hurts, while nice guys cling on so much to the point where the girl wants to be away. Assholes know how to keep a girl in love so deep that it feels impossible to leave. While nice guys give the girl too much feedom that they’re able to explore into other options.”
The underlying idea that manipulation is the way to get into a loving relationship is absurd. This is an addictive pattern of behavior that is unhealthy and hurtful to the heart, the ego, and the soul. Let's start at the beginning.
You should not need to be kept "on check". Keep your own self in check. Develop your integrity; be true to yourself. If you discover something unpleasant about how you behave, actively progress towards the behavior you want. Don't force other people to keep you in line of their idea of who you should or could be. Don’t force them to keep you on check for your idea of who you should or could be, either.
No one must have to try harder to win love. Love is not a game to win. Trying harder to impress someone is setting a standard that may not be a true representation of you. Be you. Try harder to improve you and let love come from that. There is enough push-pull in the dance of dating. Only try as hard as is natural. I'm not saying you shouldn't woo your love, I'm saying expression of authenticity is more attractive than desperation and over-compensation.
If you just receive, then you're not being an honorable future partner. If you don't reciprocate the feelings, don't lead the other person to give you what you're not willing to appreciate. Relationships are a balance of give and take. Both people are responsible for creating the balance. Don’t take what you are not willing to give.
Paying attention to someone should not be used to manipulate emotions. Paying attention is attending to their words and expressions and being present in the moment with them. If you don’t want to be in the present moment with them, don’t be. Be real. Be fresh. You can only be spoiled if you choose to be bitter rather than sweet.
Missing someone is natural. Time apart from each other is fantastic! It can include anything from hobbies to work to friends to school to any interest or reason. You can choose to have time alone. It is not up to the other person to force you into time alone by withholding from you. Again - games. Spend time alone. Spend time with friends. Spend time with your partner. Spend the time you're allotted on this earth with the people you love... including yourself. Encourage time alone for your partner, too, by the way. Miss each other. It's good.
Keeping someone in love is not necessary. If you're trying to keep someone doing something emotionally, it is probably a manipulation and you should recheck your own motives. Love is not forced; it is a force.
It should never be IMPOSSIBLE to leave. Being in a relationship is a choice. A CHOICE! If the choice is not there, perhaps you're dealing with some abuse. If the choice is not there, perhaps you're not seeing all of your options clearly.
Feeling like it is impossible to leave, as in you love so very deeply, is still a choice. Every day it is a choice, not that it has to be decided everyday, but you should both invest in the relationship every single day. You invest by showing attention, care, support, inspiration, and passionate love. It is the responsibility of both people to invest daily. This includes a phone call or email when you're apart from each other. This includes the smile when you pass in the hallway and a kiss before leaving to run errands. The choice to invest in your partnership is there every day. Create the love you want.
If you're discovering that you do not want to choose your mate anymore, then there are probably some uncomfortable topics up for discussion. If you're having trouble communicating, seek a third party who is trained to help facilitate communication. Don't call your friends and complain, especially if they are holding their own opinions about your relationship. Don't be the person who calls with problems all of the time, but does nothing to mend the situation. Take action.
You create the relationships you choose, from dating to marriage to divorce (if that happens). Do the best you can to make healthy choices and learn what you can from every experience. If you choose to be in relationships with people who do not treat you with kindness, respect, and adoration - you might want to take a look at why you make this choice for yourself. Finding new perspectives can show you how you can make new choices.
The lessons I learned from the addiction to assholes did serve me well, as they enabled me to see those perspectives. If you can see where you are, you can know where to go. If you can see where you've been, you can choose to go back or you can choose another direction. If you can choose other directions, and get to another destination, you can call to others so they may also gain sight or be reminded of another perspective. I call to you, friends, please come away from the asshole addiction and create the love you've always dreamed.