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Moving On

9/9/2016

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What is your relationship with moving on?

Mine has seen drastic changes as I have journeyed on The Path of Self-Love. 
Past-me used to be a staunch believer in third and fourth chances. She used pushed herself to mend relationships, even when they were (what I now know to be) "toxic". In the past, she was driven not only to forgive, but also forget (or maybe the right word is DENY or EXCUSE). "Forget" didn't always include processing open communication, but rather a build up of inner monologue that finally found an outlet... somehow. "Forget" looked more like stifle. Stifle the memory of the trauma. Push it far into in the depth of my internal darkness. Bathe it in the shadows of self-doubts and ridicule-filled ruminations. Take as much blame as one can handle, and coat the rest in numbing salves. Check out. Binge. The sadness was too much. The loss was too hard. I could not kill the thing! I was strong enough to tame it. I was light enough to wake it up. I could see how cute it was when no one else was looking... that charming little inner child that talented capable adult they could be. The guilt of giving up on someone and the appearance of not loving them, or even worse - abandoning them - all too much to bear.

This statement below would have offended Past-me.
"Let me be clear. My love is unconditional. Your presence in my life is not."
I could not comprehend the idea, "The moment you prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, your value of me does not equally measure or surpass my sense of self-worth, I will unconditionally love you from afar. I will move on." Move on? I would never.

If this sounds familiar, check yourself for TRAUMA BONDS


The relationships that surround me are a reflection of me, and I them. The current relationship dynamics in my life are more vibrant and positive and beautiful and instantly fulfilling than the majority of the relationships I held 15-20 years ago. And yet, I do have relationships that have lasted even longer. Some are a bit far removed from the surface, rather embedded in the foundation. There are the ones who lost touch because our parents moved, or we had to change schools, or the school district split at a certain grade level. In adulthood, they moved (or more likely, I moved) or a job took over their time. Eventually, our lives got immersed in something else and we simply got distracted and the train of friendship left the station without us.

We let go. It wasn't dramatic. It was gradual. It didn't involve creating the decision to let go...
our fingers just released. Our grasp left, but the heart still loves.

There is a peace that only comes in surrender.
There is a relaxation of our will to create friction,
to push forward,
to die trying.
In the way of saving ourselves from mortal harm,
I am all for this tenacity.
When it comes to holding on to toxic relationships,
that tenacity drives the poison faster to the blood stream.
Making the choice to move on is a purposeful surrender.
When you stop pushing,
when you relax into stillness,
when you realize you are not on a battlefront,
when you become aware of your breathing,
when you relax the muscles behind your eyes
you can stop projecting yourself into the future.
You can start creating awareness of the present moment.
You can gain clarity of your current conditions.
What is happening outside of my body?
What is happening inside of my body?
Where is my mind going? 
What flavor is my emotion? 
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Wetiko the Disease of the Ego

9/2/2016

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Ego behaves like a spoiled child, unless you lovingly discipline it. Eventually, you can talk with it reasonably and it throws a lot fewer tantrums. 

The ego is the protective mechanism hard-wired in our humanity. It is that ego which keeps us safe in this body and protects it from harm. It is a part of the "natural man" the instinctive choice to pull your hand from the scalding hot burner on the stove. Ego is the protective mechanism of the mind and the heart, too. Ego takes everything personally. When it screams, I try to listen. I want find out why it thought I needed protection. The conversation takes practice. Cultivating self-awareness is key. Sometimes apologies and actionable amends are necessary when the ego has run a muck. We owe Mother Earth many apologies and actionable amends.

We cannot kill the ego and succeed. We can teach it to warn us of danger. We can understand its role and honor it with supportive listening. We can be a loving mother to nurse our unhealthy ego to a state of balanced confidence, creating our healthy and humble self-esteem. We can have self-worth without being arrogant. We can celebrate our talents in unison with the talents of others. We are capable beings with infinite power of choice.

Ego is the default decision maker in many minds. We are encouraged to be prideful and tyrannical as a means of strength. If we are strong we are secure. Money is power. Generally, and definitely in agreement with this video, the ego being head hauncho in our lives leads us to dangerous, callous, greedy, and destructive behaviors. We live in a culture aimed at attacking our ego. We are to be fearful of losing everything at all times. We must be first, best, and busy being in control. All of that is illusion meant to divide us from the center intersection of our humanity and our divinity. We are led to find cynicism in anything or anyone who operates from a perspective of community, security, cooperation, generosity, and freely-given love. These mechanisms are used by Ego to gain power and manipulate. It is a vicious game of us vs them. The media plays us. The politicians play us. The celebrities play us. The corporations play us. We play us. 

And if I or you disagree with common hatred, we are a "them".  

Wetiko wins all wars.

In truth, we are never disconnected. In interconnected compassion we find each other as reflections. We appreciate each others perspectives as unique squares quilted into the tapestry of life. We see our personal purpose as service to the greater good. We have the capacity for greatness. True greatness. Epic greatness. Our technology is brilliant. Our resources are studied and calculated. We are capable of more than territorial wars and religious agendas. We are capable of peace on Earth, if it wasn't for that pesky Wetiko imbalance. 

We live in an unbalanced world. This world of ego that is in a state of Wetiko, the cannibalistic disease. We suffer from feelings of isolation and defeat, especially when we put forth efforts that are not reciprocated. We grasp for community. We lunge towards love whole-heartedly. We give of our time and money to supporting others. We foster security as we volunteer our cooperation. If any of these efforts are not well-received, it is natural to retreat into the Wetiko state of bitterness, separation, and greed. We cannot allow ourselves to stay there for very long. We must keep trying. We must keep being ourselves and healing the conditioning of this sickness. We must keep uniting. We must keep listening. We must keep loving. We must keep swimming. 

Together.

We who are compelled to shift this world must continue to shift within ourselves. Lovingly disciplining our own egos, or personal Wetiko dis-ease. These are the hardest and most important struggles we will ever face. To choose love. To choose trust. To give benefit of the doubt. To do these brave acts, we have to feel secure, balanced, and safe in our own body, mind, and heart - or the Wetiko will come back to teach us more lessons.  
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