What is your relationship with moving on?
Past-me used to be a staunch believer in third and fourth chances. She used pushed herself to mend relationships, even when they were (what I now know to be) "toxic". In the past, she was driven not only to forgive, but also forget (or maybe the right word is DENY or EXCUSE). "Forget" didn't always include processing open communication, but rather a build up of inner monologue that finally found an outlet... somehow. "Forget" looked more like stifle. Stifle the memory of the trauma. Push it far into in the depth of my internal darkness. Bathe it in the shadows of self-doubts and ridicule-filled ruminations. Take as much blame as one can handle, and coat the rest in numbing salves. Check out. Binge. The sadness was too much. The loss was too hard. I could not kill the thing! I was strong enough to tame it. I was light enough to wake it up. I could see how cute it was when no one else was looking... that charming little inner child that talented capable adult they could be. The guilt of giving up on someone and the appearance of not loving them, or even worse - abandoning them - all too much to bear.
This statement below would have offended Past-me.
"Let me be clear. My love is unconditional. Your presence in my life is not."
I could not comprehend the idea, "The moment you prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, your value of me does not equally measure or surpass my sense of self-worth, I will unconditionally love you from afar. I will move on." Move on? I would never.
If this sounds familiar, check yourself for TRAUMA BONDS
The relationships that surround me are a reflection of me, and I them. The current relationship dynamics in my life are more vibrant and positive and beautiful and instantly fulfilling than the majority of the relationships I held 15-20 years ago. And yet, I do have relationships that have lasted even longer. Some are a bit far removed from the surface, rather embedded in the foundation. There are the ones who lost touch because our parents moved, or we had to change schools, or the school district split at a certain grade level. In adulthood, they moved (or more likely, I moved) or a job took over their time. Eventually, our lives got immersed in something else and we simply got distracted and the train of friendship left the station without us.
We let go. It wasn't dramatic. It was gradual. It didn't involve creating the decision to let go...
our fingers just released. Our grasp left, but the heart still loves.
There is a peace that only comes in surrender.
There is a relaxation of our will to create friction,
to push forward,
to die trying.
In the way of saving ourselves from mortal harm,
I am all for this tenacity.
When it comes to holding on to toxic relationships,
that tenacity drives the poison faster to the blood stream.
Making the choice to move on is a purposeful surrender.
When you stop pushing,
when you relax into stillness,
when you realize you are not on a battlefront,
when you become aware of your breathing,
when you relax the muscles behind your eyes
you can stop projecting yourself into the future.
You can start creating awareness of the present moment.
You can gain clarity of your current conditions.
What is happening outside of my body?
What is happening inside of my body?
Where is my mind going?
What flavor is my emotion?