You are moving through the cycles of self-care, sourced in self-love,
and encouraged by joyful self-esteem.
Our ego translates the world in
We define our environment with "this is this" and "that is that" so we can make sense of our surroundings enough to stay safe!
"This is too hot (almost boiling).
This is too cold (almost freezing)."
We take measures to lessen our likelihood of suffering based on the polarity we perceive.
"This is unsafe," says Suffering.
"I hear this is unsafe," says Ego.
Here's where Suffering and Ego shake hands in an agreement,
"I'll take care of this human if you will warn me of danger."
They communicate with each other through your nervous system; through your senses.
(See this post personifying
Ego's protective nature.)
Forcing an emotion creates resistance from the opposite direction.
actively releasing patterns that are causing resistance in our lives.
Rich emotional colors below signify dense fields of perceptive polarity.
Study the pretty colors.
Resist the urge to compare or define.
Reside with your intuition; your inner knowing.
Can you identify what you are feeling right now?
How many shades of the spectrum are present within your awareness at this very moment?
Where do you feel those emotions in your body?
Place your hand there to bring awareness.
Notice what is coming up to the surface of your awareness.
After starting another phase of school, a Transformational Psychology degree, my classwork forced me to do intellectual self-care for homework; for grades; for real. Bridging academic science and the World of Woo-Woo had me all kindsa ways. I burned my candle at both ends.
(Go SWIHA! Love you, alma mater.)
There are self-care practices that struck me with immediate healing, and those that were just tried on for size and fit. I ate a smorgasbord of healing arts modalities. I did a bunch of things that worked, but that was just it... it was fucking WORK!
HARD WORK = MUCH FORCE = BIG RESISTANCE
I loved the pursuit so much I kept at it as it sucked the battery power from my internal flashlight.
Be light. Be positive. Be an example. Show the way!
It was draining, but I kept doing it. I was learning how to teach others.
I was becoming an educator!
I even got a job as a teacher in a private school at that time
- teaching physical science.
I kept recharging my personal battery and depleting it again until the cell was so low it could barely hold the charge. I connected to source energy with more fervency. I healed wounds of my dogmatic religious past by going back to church and dropping my judgement of myself and others. I found myself whole in spirit. The numbers of angels I met in human form increased and the demons in skin sacks started to be naturally repelled.
I connected with my soul tribe and we are connected all over this planet. Facebook helps.
I became a conduit of light. I grew in the brightness of SELF-LOVE and I was repeatedly faced with my darkest contrasting shadows.
Hard for the eyes to adjust!
Many communication mistakes were made.
I got tangled up and untangled again. Knots of intertwining connection to everything.
I was everything... I am that, I am.
I am, that and that and that and that.
Exhausting on every level.
Force light. Force light. Force light.
Hello Darkness, my old friend.
I burnt out and finally figured it was time to temporarily retire from academic pursuits, after close to ten years of constancy. All I knew was achievement-based study and measured successes by grades and honor roll status and praise from teachers. I had no idea what to do with myself because I spent so much time being a student, I forgot to decide what the frick I wanted to DO with all that knowledge.
My ego roared the polarities of suffering:
I AM SO POWERFUL!
I CAN DO IT AAALLLLLLLL!
I am so weak.
I cannot do anything.
The more I learned, the more questions were raised. I knew enough to know I didn't know it all, even if I came off as a know-it-all to people who didn't understand; to people who didn't care to know me beyond their surface assumptions. I began to realize just how much it mattered to me what others thought of me, even if I lied to myself to stay emotionally safe. I put up walls to avoid the interactions, then got mad when nobody knocked on the bricks.
My pride created force and resistance. The battles of control and the desires for approval plagued every hall that echoed my voice. I soared with knowledge of all sorts of things that have been said throughout eons of wisdom. I plummeted in isolation of those understandings. Nothing translated anymore. I sank into depressive shit-holes in my life path.
I spun my wheels as I hit the gas harder and harder... trying to force my way out of the ruts.
I plunged away at the self-care game with full force. Cleanses, detoxes, vitamins, essential oils, therapeutic-grade everything, go to all the healers, do all the yoga classes, get all the support, spend all the money chasing healthy living ideals... don't stop, get it - get it.
I was doing all the right things! WHY WASN'T I HAPPY?
Disease in my body grew more and more apparent.
I was going to heal if it killed me.
Heal thy self.
One day it all changed.
In 2016, I was in another yoga teacher training course. This felt different. I wasn't pursuing academic achievement or certificate. I was receiving another certification, but I was doing it in the name of SELF-LOVE! Sure, my clients and students would benefit, but it was for me on a deeply profound level. I felt called to work with particular teachers at a community-centric yoga studio, Sangha Yoga of the Saraswati traditions in the Sivananda lineage. This path of yoga is named after Saraswati, the goddess of knowledge, music, art, wisdom, and learning. She is connected to sacred pools of water, oceans and lakes; celestial and oracular voice and the power of speech; the sacred safe expression in connection and alignment with FLOW!
While I was immersed in this path, I experienced my very first Red Tent - a women's weekend of deep connection in sisterhood. Three days of learning and opening and being in community with delicately powerful sacred sisters of the healing waters. At the end of the weekend, we were given a rock to paint that would go home with us to use as a meditation and integration tool.
All weekend the understanding of FORCE = RESISTANCE was coming up in conversations from within my throat. Over and over the cycle repeated and I finally asked myself,
"How am I blocking the flow? How am I getting in my own way? What am I forcing in my life?"
I was creating resistance for my self-love by forcing it via self-care practices.
I painted on my coincidentally heart-shaped flat rock.
The blocks of resistance were removed slowly, like rocks that tumble through the river to the ocean and eventually become pebbles.
I indulged as many whims as I could indulge. I drank from the fruit of the vine and let myself get fat and happy! Really fat. Really happy. Really real. I embraced Authenticity with all the love I could find. I even found a coaching teacher who specializes in Authenticity Coaching training and I added more hours of Life Coach training to my roster of cool tools I know by heart.
Learning for the sake of learning. Deepening for the sake of going deeper. Being a human.
I expanded and grew some more as the connection of my heart with my mind found a deeper connection with my soul. Embracing "ALL THE YES" hurt because I was all over the place. My interests and ideas dragged me like the wind pulls a leaf across the concrete and then tosses it in the air. I didn't have many boundaries; few fences; fewer walls. I said yes to as much as I possibly could. I lived in pursuit of supporting others and following my bliss at the same time. Then, I got mad about doing too much for too little. Imbalanced polarities again.
I permitted my life to be carried so freely that I floated up out of the flow of the waterbeds and into the flow of the clouds. I vaporized. Sounds dreamy, right? Sure, and not so much.
If I remained ungrounded I was FREEEEEE to fly!
Polarities in Action: rigid as ice (force) to flexible as vapor (allow)
until I went to Hawaii and met myself as the water (enjoy).
Whale Medicine calls me to sing my unique song for those in my pod,
knowing they may be far away,
knowing that my song will not be understood by everyone else,
much less liked by everyone else,
knowing my song will travel far and those who have the ears to hear it are listening and coming closer and closer to the sound.
I can hear them more clearly as they approach.
Down deep, deep, deep into the ocean and up to the surface again.
I am that, I am.
Let's wrap back to PHYSICS & STATES OF MATTER related to water!
Distillation purifies and concentrates.
Have you tried to HOLD WATER IN YOUR HAND?
The best you can do is create a little pool before it slides down your skin.
This distilling is from steam "allow self love" to water "enjoy self love" and it is a whole other waveform, friends. Essence is brewing.
What is that elusive feeling we think we want ALL THE TIME?
It isn't happiness. That's fleeting. We want JOY!
What does it mean to ENjoy?
The prefix "en" means: “to cause one to be in the place or condition"
"Conditioning" implies parameters and safeguards and accountability that "allowance" does not, but too much of it will create resistance again, so the dance of polarities continues. This balance is what I am flowing with right now.
I don't know the how.
This is new-ancient territory I'm swimming.
I'm remembering how to breathe under water.
(Look at how on point that is for the pneumonia I'm healing from at this very moment!)
Joy: a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
Who best to value in your life?
You, that's right.
You are the protagonist in this story, even if you have children who are lead characters.
It is you that provides for them and sets an example.
It is your self-value that sets the tone for theirs.
What do we know that as?
is done through JOY!
O friends, no more of these sounds!
Let us sing more cheerful songs,
More songs full of joy! Joy! Joy!
Joy, bright spark of divinity,
Daughter of Elysium,
Fire-inspired we tread
Within thy sanctuary.
Thy magic power re-unites
All that custom has divided,
All men become brothers,
Under the sway of thy gentle wings.
Whoever has created
An abiding friendship,
Or has won
A true and loving wife,
All who can call at least one soul theirs,
Join our song of praise;
But those who cannot must creep tearfully
Away from our circle.
All creatures drink of joy
At natures breast.
Just and unjust
Alike taste of her gift;
She gave us kisses and the fruit of the vine,
A tried friend to the end.
Even the worm can feel contentment...